Through the Camera's Lens

What is this, I don't even

I’m so sorry babe…

I sometimes wonder, are you sorry
Do you realize that how you left, was wrong
Can you comprehend the damage you have actually caused
The wounds that I’ve been trying to mend
But alas they get bigger
So big and deep that I forget to throw your old pills out

Yeah I’m eyeing up the bag
Prescriptions bottles orange and clear
I don’t ever put one in my mouth, no
Why, well I’m not sure
Maybe hoping that one day
Something will spark
         will fly, come into your head
I’ll get that call, text, e-mail, what-have-you
And you’ll be all mine

But I realize that won’t happen
Did you stop loving me, did I stop letting you?
Yes, I use somethings as a crutch for life
But you realize how fucked up I’ve become
I’ve been getting high constantly, in hopes to hold back my feelings

Cancer, it’s a heavy thing
People handle it different
Some have mental breakdowns
Some go into drugs
As I say, well
              I used drugs to prevent the breakdowns
Because in all honesty, I’m worried
Still worried, sick to the stomache. 

I feel that if I could change how I am
Or change how I was, it’d be for the worse
And as I try to be sober, I remember why I smoked everything away
I love you
I miss you
I’m so sorry you were diagnosed, and I’m so joyed your in remission.

I understand I can’t possibly know what chemo and cancer is like
But I tried really hard to understand
The wall I planted by smoking in my brain
         sure helped with my own reactions from hurting me
But I couldn’t let anything in.

For that I apologize,

as of today, I still love/miss you

and I’m sorry.

    My aching heart